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Confessions of an Insomniac 


Confessions of an Insomniac 

Based on Psalm 42 and 23

I wrote this in June 2018 during one of the worst seasons of loneliness and debilitating fatigue. Although I was depressed and in poor health, I had hope that God would stay with me and help me. And he has. He is always good. 

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

I reach for his word and my hand falters. Fatigue eats away at my flesh like rot. The smell overtakes my senses. 

Does he prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies?

Hope in God, O my soul.

Sleep eludes me. Every night I lie down, “God have mercy on me.” 

My salvation and my God.

I wake dizzy, addled, exhausted. I should be productive. I should read, I should write. My Bible falls open before me. 

What did I just read? Try again. 

Nothing. I remember nothing. 

Hope in God, for I shall again praise him. 

I wish my friends were here. But really, I wish I wasn’t here where I have no friends.

Busy. This place is so busy. These people are so busy. 

Why are you cast down, O my soul? Hope in God!

Why do I neglect your word? I’m thirsty. I’m hungry. Your word is my only hope. 

Have mercy on me. I’m so tired. 

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

I read. What did it say? 

I’m losing my mind, and I can’t remember what I just read. Can’t remember how to sleep.

Prepare a table before me, and my cup will overflow. Quench my thirst, my salvation and my God. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 


The Jacobs are moving again!


The Jacobs are moving again!

The Jacobs are moving! Well, sort of. 

Let me back up. We’ve been living away from our family and going to school for over nine years now. The last three years have been in Houston. Our time in Texas has been bittersweet. God blessed us in many ways during this time, but, truth be told, it has been lonely and stressful for many reasons. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious to leave. 

All this time, Tim has been bearing the burden of going to school full time and working multiple jobs to support us. He now has three master’s degrees and will soon finish his PhD. This summer he acquired his fifth adjunct teaching position. Yes, you read that right. Five. Jobs. This past semester he worked four jobs, did independent study, studied for a huge latin exam, and prepared for his PhD comprehensive exams. Oh yeah, and he was super dad. Just to put that into perspective for you, most PhD students taking comprehensive exams do nothing else. They don’t take classes or teach, and most don’t have families.

Tim was spreading himself thin, and I was, after nearly a decade of school and being away from family, not emotionally or physically healthy. Well . . . I was downright clingy to be honest. With one very important semester left in Houston until Tim begins his dissertation, we need to make a big change to make sure this semester is a complete success. 

So come August, we will load up the kids, the dog, and a few suitcases and drive to Palm Springs, California. And then Tim will fly back to Houston without us. He will join us after the semester ends, thus ending our time in Texas. We know it’s a little crazy! But with things the way they are, we need drastic change. 

Houston friends, please don’t hear that you are not dear to us. It is because this season has been so hard that you are all the more dear and important. The Lord did not make us comfortable in Texas, but he did give us a few friends that we will miss so very much. My heart breaks just thinking about leaving you

California friends and family, we are looking forward to seeing you very soon! But, as far as we know, this move is not permanent. After Tim finishes his dissertation, he will apply for a full-time teaching position somewhere, and we will, Lord willing, move to a more permanent location. 

Kentucky friends, I know I said that my modular class at Southern would bring me back to Louisville at the beginning of August. But with this change happening, I will be switching classes to later in the semester. I hope to see you all again in September or October. 

Please pray for us during this time. Pray the Lord will refresh us and strengthen us. Pray that he will sustain us during our time apart. 

Thank you for supporting us during this time!


What Women Do and SBC 2019


What Women Do and SBC 2019

The Southern Baptist Convention 2019 was a momentous occasion. Not only had I never attended before, but everything from the resolutions to the panels to the coffee dates were alive with the whirlwind of change.

Sexual abuse.

Racial reconciliation.

Women’s roles in the church.

No one was afraid to talk about the SBC’s dirty laundry. We didn’t always agree, but that was okay. We talked about all of it in painstaking detail and invited the whole world to watch. Then we voted that sexual abuse and racism were grounds for expelling churches from the convention. And I couldn’t be more proud of our leadership for their humility and resolve in these areas.

While remaining steadfast in conservative, Biblical principles and complementarianism, I saw men—leading men—affirm the value and voice of women in the church. At the SBC Women’s Leadership event, our president, J.D. Greear, expressed his excitement about the new generation of women and change we are ushering in. And while he was glad for what has already taken place, he reminded us that we are only starting to scratch the surface.

The SBC (along with other conservative denominations) are just beginning to see the effects of the minimization of women in churches—especially in the South where legalism over leniency is more common. And I would have to agree fully with Greear—there is much to be done, not primarily in the convention but in church culture.

I was in a state of awe during the convention. There was so much to see, hear, learn, and read. I couldn’t have done it all if I’d wanted to. And I was just so darn happy to see change finally taking place in so many areas, I didn’t immediately feel where it was still lacking. But as we drove out of town on Thursday morning, I finally put my finger on it.

No one asked me what I do.

You know those moments when you get stuck at a table with a bunch of people you don’t know? You’re forced to make small talk, ask where they’re from, what they do, how many kids they have. But people in the church don’t ask women what they do unless they’re alone.

I asked my husband how many times he had a chance to tell someone he’s a philosophy professor and PhD student. It was so many, he’d lost count. When he asked me the same, I recounted the one time I told someone about my various writing endeavors—at the women’s leadership event. It was at a place where there were no men at the table and women only had eyes and ears for one another.

That realization stung deeply. All the implications crashed down around me. I could list all the reasons why they ask him and not her, but there was one that stuck out to me above all the others: they already knew. Or they thought they knew, and they didn’t care to know more.

All the people at those tables and booths subconsciously assumed I was a stay-at-home mom and my husband had a real job. And I assumed right along with them. Don’t think I’m trying to be high and mighty in my critique here. You can bet I did it too. I am guilty of not wanting to hear about other women’s kids and schooling choices because I think (wrongly) that it’s boring and ordinary. Nor do I immediately assume they have something they do outside the home or in their spare time. It’s not something I would ever have admitted to until now since it’s mostly subconscious.

But here’s the thing—I am a stay-at-home mom. My husband really does have a job outside our home. I change diapers, cook the food, fold the laundry (sometimes), and then some. And all those things are extremely important. There were seasons—and rightly so—of my life where that is all I did, and all I was able to do because my kids were little.

But that isn’t the whole story for me. I am a woman who loves the church and the people in it. He has gifted me as well as every woman to serve his church in some capacity. He has gifted you, sister, to serve the body for the sake of the kingdom.

I have things that I do apart from my family. And if we were honest with ourselves, we look a lot more like the Proverbs 31 woman than we usually give ourselves credit for. We care for our homes, our families, start businesses, use our teaching/serving/leading gifts in a multitude of venues, and pretty much git it done.

I know a lot of men in SBC churches who think very highly of women. Some of them even read theology books written by the opposite gender. But I can’t help but wonder if they would think to ask that woman, the one sitting at a table with her husband, what she does.

This is a glorious season of change in the church. Let’s all work together for the sake of the gospel.